Trying to Make Some Progress
I did some research online last night. I’m pretty sure I have “Atypical Depression”. Here’s the description from http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/depression/atypical.asp:
Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They’ll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with….This type of depression usually follows an interpersonal rejection by a lover, boss, or close friend….People with atypical depression feel paralyzed or too tired to get out of bed.
So I’ve decided to self-medicate. I have dabbled in herbal remedies in the past (quite a bit, actually), and I know my way around the supplement aisle of the health food store, so why not? Starting tonight, I’m taking 5 HTP and Saint John’s Wort. I may also add Gensing to the mix, but only if I stop drinking coffee. If this doesn’t work, I’ll make an appointment at Kaiser and get me some old fashioned Zoloft or something.
I had two texts from Idiot Selfish person when I put my phone on this morning. One was asking what I was up to today. I just didn’t reply. The more I think about it, the more I think staying “friends” was the wrong choice. I fantasize about saying things to Idiot Selfish person that are true and yet I know will result in hurt feelings (not mine!). I should really cut this one loose. I wish I knew what is holding me back.
I have a meeting with one of our Human Resources folks tomorrow. I will probably just vent and see if they have any insights to share as to how I can better deal with my boss and general work problems. I feel, as of right now, that the only way I can stay at my company for the long-term is to report to someone new and/or to work in a new part of the company. Though, honestly, I’m just focusing on trying to get through a single day.
Someone behind me in line at the bookstore made a comment to me about his tattoo. I, naturally, said, “Let’s see it.” His response was to say, “Really…?” while lifting his entire shirt. In the store. It made me blush a tiny bit to see that a man would do what a total stranger asked, just because she was kinda cute, wearing a long blond ponytail and short shorts. LOL
Week in Review
Lots of lame things to write about this fine Saturday morning.
I couldn’t even get out of my car and into my office the first day of this past work week. I literally had to pray first. And I NEVER NEVER NEVER do that, or anything like it. But I’ve been in this angry and depressed state for almost two weeks now, and really felt like I had run through all my options. Hanging by a thread, by a broken pinky. I asked, “Please help me get through the fucking day.” That was it.
I’ve spoken to Idiot Selfish person a couple of times this week– mostly email and text. It’s pretty boring and I should probably just end all communication. I think I’ve been responding bc I’ve been depressed and I thought it would be a good distraction. I’m not sure that’s how its been working out for me.
Idiot Selfish person seems to have a lot of free time these days, which was not the case when we were together. I have to admit, this hurts my feelings, because I believe we all CAN and DO make time for the things that are important to us. So, I was clearly not important enough to make time for in Idiot Selfish person’s world. Well, at least not then. Now I am suddenly being asked out to drinks and being texted or called several times a week.
It’s strange how the feeling of being rejected still hurts, even when it’s from someone you don’t want anything to do with anyway. I almost feel like I want Idiot Selfish person to want me, just so I can do the rejecting… though, logically, I really don’t want anything to do with this person. AND, I was the person who ended the relationship… though I suppose Idiot Selfish person is the one who stopped making time for me, so maybe it wasn’t me who ended things after all??
During the months we were not speaking, I was completely happy to not have had any communication with Idiot Selfish person. Maybe I should go back to that.
Some new people to write about today (new to the blog, I mean)…
First person is someone I’ve known for a while. We work near each other, so we met briefly in the early morning yesterday before my work day started. I have found this person to be a mix of friendly and flirty and funny and not-mushy-but-it’s-there-kindness. Very sweet and mellow, but not a submissive doormat by any stretch. Smart, too, and tells a good story. Physically strong, with a face that’s very easy on the eyes. We’ve known each other for about two years, and have been up and down with our communication, getting together, etc. I don’t have the emotional connection with this person like I used to have with Idiot Selfish person, so the randomness of our communication has never bothered me in the least- I just take it in stride, enjoy this person’s company when we can both make it work.
[I'm not sure how to "name" this person for blog writing. "Storyteller" could sound like a liar. "Nice Person" is pretty bland. "Cute Person" doesn't really cover the breadth of reason why this person is likable.]
Anyway, I don’t have much to write about this person, except that when we were done chatting this week, and before we both went to work that morning, we kissed. It was a pretty great and unexpected way to start the day.
Another new person to write about is Out of Town person. This person works for my company, but in an office Out of Town (further up the corporate ladder than myself, and not exactly in the same division). Out of Towner has been around my office more often lately, and I’ve just been so relieved and pleased to have someone here who really understands what we do and how we should do it (the person I report to doesn’t always “get it”– it’s very frustrating). Anyway, I think my professional respect for this person, combined with the obvious smile on my face when Out of Towner is around, is possibly coming across in an (uninterntional) flirtatious way. For example, I said Out of Towner was a “sight for sore eyes.” I meant it relating to the work issues I expect that person to fix, not… well, not in the way I would mean it if I was seeing the Storyteller. On the other hand, while Out of Towner is older than me and I can’t say I am physically attracted, who knows? Something to think about next time Out of Towner is here (already emailed me about grabbing lunch or dinner together next time). On yet another hand, Out of Towner could turn out to be another Smiling Liar that my company seems so fond of employing, so I’ll have to be careful about how I handle this relationship (professionally, and otherwise).
I hate leaving my guard up all the time. Oh well.
Oh! I had a dream that I had fallen madly in love with someone I really, really dislike. Just the brain working out its issues, I’m not alarmed– but it was an icky thought to wake up to. Thank goodness it was not a sex dream, I would have vomited. In real life, this person is a nice person who tends to act like an asshole. It’s too bad, really. The behavior is truly confusing, but shows no signs of improving. Maybe this person is bipolar?
Someone I know passed away this week. Not a close friend, but someone I had met several times and had really admired. Very adventerous, smart, funny [it's pretty easy to see what character traits I admire in people from reading this blog, eh?] I was not able to attend the funeral, so I’ll be donating money to the scholarship in her name. I wish she had written an autobiography for me to read and learn from.
I’m thinking of buying a bunch of St John’s Wart to help me with this depression thing. I had a couple of cocktails last night, which did put me in a much better mood, but I don’t think that’s a good long-term solution. (If I end up needing a good long-term solution.)
Yup
So it’s about 3am, mid-week. Lack of sleep, crappy work stuff, broken heart I’m trying to ignore…
Yup. Welcome to the greatest blog of all time. Very original, I know.
Trying to resist eating ten tons of junk food or writing inappropriate emails to make myself feel better. Thought the new blog might help/distract.
I hate how one or two small things (or people) can so easily ruin one’s day (and evening, and the following morning, as it were). Stupid people who are liars or selfish or both. People who are insecure and then act like idiots. People who don’t deliver on their words. People who suck and continue to suck and have no interest in self-improvement.
Three people are bugging me right now.
-One has a serious character flaw that results in some really dumbass behavior (I’m not saying I am flaw-free by any means, but I think I limit my dumbass behavior when at work!).
-Second person continues to act both selfishly and cluelessly, but whose fault is it that s/he has not “lived and learned” yet? Well, maybe s/he is an idiot, and therefore not responsible for her/his actions. I’m still debating that one internally. It’s the broken heart factor that keeps me from being clear-headed.
-Third person is a flat-out deceptive bastard. Kind (etc) to one’s face, but a different story when talking to others or while waiting for following-up on words exchanged in private.
First person acts our of insecurity, so actions are almost forgivable.
Second person acts of our selfishness, which is not forgivable. But there is also the stupidity factor. But which came first, the stupidity or the selfishness? I think the answer is important.
Third person is slimey and not to be trusted. <Note to self on that one.>
Funny story: I have a friend who only calls me when she needs something (help moving, stuff like that). Today she asked me for advice because she has another friend who is always and only asking her for help, and she doesn’t know what to do about it.
That, friend, is the definition of irony.
Oh! Just realized that first person (above) also deals with slimy person (above). Maybe s/he has also fallen victim to said slimeball, and took it out on me? It’s possible. Hmm.
I wish I had a fool-proof, go-to trick up my sleeve for cheering myself up. A year ago, I may have emailed Stupid/Selfish person (above), but now I want nothing to do with said person. A year ago, the responding email from that person would have been very comforting and uplifting. Now I find emails from said stupid selfish jerk to be.. well, stupid and selfish. And boring. Blah blah blah about the other person, no interest in me or my life. Then why keep contacting me?!?! Leave me alone! There is a reason you always go straight to voicemail, dummy!
Screw it. I’m going to eat some cookie dough. Because I can. 
