Disappointed!
Well, I should have known better. Turns out the Out-of-Towner is just as Two Faced as the multiple Two-Faced Smiling Liars I’ve blogged about. I’m so disappointed! Oh well. I should just assume everyone is two-faced at my work environment, that everyone has their own (evil) agenda.
Except my boss. This week, she has only one face and it is NOT pleasant. I have the emails to prove it! At the very least, jeez woman, don’t put that kind of stuff in writing! You should know better.
Oh! Received a follow-up email from Selfish Idiot after coffee:
It was nice seeing you. You seem to be doing very well. I’m happy for you.
Was it sarcasm? Who knows. More importantly, who gives a fuck. I replied:
Thanks.
Did I mention how much happier I am, now that it’s all finally OVER?!?! 
Hazzah!
I had coffee with Selfish Idiot. It was COMPLETELY UNEVENTFUL. Minor chit-chat about work, the obligatory ”Oh, its been a long time — you look good,” and that was it. I had no feelings for him at all, nothing! Didn’t want to kiss him or otherwise touch him, much less love him. I would be completely contented to never see him ever again.
It’s over! It’s finally over! I am finally, definitively over him.
Thank the Lord.
Don’t Judge Me
I am meeting Selfish Idiot for coffee tomorrow.
Don’t judge me. And stop rolling your eyes.
I can’t stop thinking about him, about the end of our relationship, about everything. I finally realized I had nothing to lose– could I become even MORE broken-hearted, if I asked him to meet and he said “No”? No, I could not be more broken-hearted. In fact, I was almost hoping he WOULD say “No,” so I could then close the book on things, say he doesn’t want to speak to me… and just try to move on from there, from that point of blaming him.
I sent him a text that said, “I would like to see you.”
Self Idiot: Why?
Me: Because I would like to speak with you outside of email. And I haven’t seen you in a long time.
SI: OK. Where and when?
So, there you have it. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow night.
I have no agenda, nothing in particular to say to him. In fact, the very strange thing is that since we set up this meeting, I haven’t thought about him at all. Not a single time today.
Is that good?
More of the Same
I took a break from blogging. Still exhausted and not myself. Trying to not get depressed again.
Saw an old friend of mine. She’s older, like a mentor and friend in one. She is the most supportive person in my life, I have come to realize. She is so proud of me, thinks the world of me (even with knowing all this crap I blog about– and then some!), she can’t wait to tell everyone she knows about me and what I have achieved with my life. I can’t say I’ve ever known anyone else to feel about or act towards me in that way, to that extent. It’s very, very flattering.
Still find myself thinking about the Selfish Idiot. I can’t help myself. I wish I could stop. It’s like an addiction. I just can’t quit. I quit for a while, and then … it just came back to the forefront of my brain. Out of nowhere. It won’t stop.
I may have to take my feelings about the Selfish Idiot relationship (I still believe I do not have feelings for him personally, but for the better parts of our now-defunct relationship) and direct them towards someone else. It doesn’t really work, though. I already tried with Storyteller. I am this closeto trying to meet someone new online.
Lots of work with the Two Faced Smiling Liars lately, as well as some heavy emails to Out of Towner. Good lord, I hope he can help us.
I think I take work too seriously and personally. And for what? No big payoff in sight… no promotion, no IPO, no super-crazy bonus waiting in the wings. I should just do my forty hours and spend the rest of my time drunk or meditating.
Not Myself
I had to go back and read my previous entry. I could not, for the life of me, remember what it was that I was so upset about that I would “give it a month” to work out.
I’ve been feeling forgetful and exhausted lately. Not myself.
Oh, Wait… He just left vm
So… Idiot Selfish person did in fact return my call this morning. He left me vm, said he had been on vacation. I texted back to acknlowdge his message, and I think/hope that’s the end of it. Period.
But that was this morning. Last night I was up way too late (too much caffeine, I think). I feel “over” Idiot Selfish person, but not the relationship itself. It was really great early on in those first few months; It was everything I could have hoped for. I miss that. I want it back in my life. But how? With whom?
I meditated on this for LONG time. I landed on the resolution that I need to stop seeking out a solution to this problem, and instead let the answer work its way toward me. This isn’t usually how I deal with problems, so it’s something new. New is good, right? I’m giving this new approach until the end of the month.
THAT was my final thought before falling asleep. The next morning, I had voicemail from the Selfish Idiot. Go figure.
