Week in Review
Lots of lame things to write about this fine Saturday morning.
I couldn’t even get out of my car and into my office the first day of this past work week. I literally had to pray first. And I NEVER NEVER NEVER do that, or anything like it. But I’ve been in this angry and depressed state for almost two weeks now, and really felt like I had run through all my options. Hanging by a thread, by a broken pinky. I asked, “Please help me get through the fucking day.” That was it.
I’ve spoken to Idiot Selfish person a couple of times this week– mostly email and text. It’s pretty boring and I should probably just end all communication. I think I’ve been responding bc I’ve been depressed and I thought it would be a good distraction. I’m not sure that’s how its been working out for me.
Idiot Selfish person seems to have a lot of free time these days, which was not the case when we were together. I have to admit, this hurts my feelings, because I believe we all CAN and DO make time for the things that are important to us. So, I was clearly not important enough to make time for in Idiot Selfish person’s world. Well, at least not then. Now I am suddenly being asked out to drinks and being texted or called several times a week.
It’s strange how the feeling of being rejected still hurts, even when it’s from someone you don’t want anything to do with anyway. I almost feel like I want Idiot Selfish person to want me, just so I can do the rejecting… though, logically, I really don’t want anything to do with this person. AND, I was the person who ended the relationship… though I suppose Idiot Selfish person is the one who stopped making time for me, so maybe it wasn’t me who ended things after all??
During the months we were not speaking, I was completely happy to not have had any communication with Idiot Selfish person. Maybe I should go back to that.
Some new people to write about today (new to the blog, I mean)…
First person is someone I’ve known for a while. We work near each other, so we met briefly in the early morning yesterday before my work day started. I have found this person to be a mix of friendly and flirty and funny and not-mushy-but-it’s-there-kindness. Very sweet and mellow, but not a submissive doormat by any stretch. Smart, too, and tells a good story. Physically strong, with a face that’s very easy on the eyes. We’ve known each other for about two years, and have been up and down with our communication, getting together, etc. I don’t have the emotional connection with this person like I used to have with Idiot Selfish person, so the randomness of our communication has never bothered me in the least- I just take it in stride, enjoy this person’s company when we can both make it work.
[I'm not sure how to "name" this person for blog writing. "Storyteller" could sound like a liar. "Nice Person" is pretty bland. "Cute Person" doesn't really cover the breadth of reason why this person is likable.]
Anyway, I don’t have much to write about this person, except that when we were done chatting this week, and before we both went to work that morning, we kissed. It was a pretty great and unexpected way to start the day.
Another new person to write about is Out of Town person. This person works for my company, but in an office Out of Town (further up the corporate ladder than myself, and not exactly in the same division). Out of Towner has been around my office more often lately, and I’ve just been so relieved and pleased to have someone here who really understands what we do and how we should do it (the person I report to doesn’t always “get it”– it’s very frustrating). Anyway, I think my professional respect for this person, combined with the obvious smile on my face when Out of Towner is around, is possibly coming across in an (uninterntional) flirtatious way. For example, I said Out of Towner was a “sight for sore eyes.” I meant it relating to the work issues I expect that person to fix, not… well, not in the way I would mean it if I was seeing the Storyteller. On the other hand, while Out of Towner is older than me and I can’t say I am physically attracted, who knows? Something to think about next time Out of Towner is here (already emailed me about grabbing lunch or dinner together next time). On yet another hand, Out of Towner could turn out to be another Smiling Liar that my company seems so fond of employing, so I’ll have to be careful about how I handle this relationship (professionally, and otherwise).
I hate leaving my guard up all the time. Oh well.
Oh! I had a dream that I had fallen madly in love with someone I really, really dislike. Just the brain working out its issues, I’m not alarmed– but it was an icky thought to wake up to. Thank goodness it was not a sex dream, I would have vomited. In real life, this person is a nice person who tends to act like an asshole. It’s too bad, really. The behavior is truly confusing, but shows no signs of improving. Maybe this person is bipolar?
Someone I know passed away this week. Not a close friend, but someone I had met several times and had really admired. Very adventerous, smart, funny [it's pretty easy to see what character traits I admire in people from reading this blog, eh?] I was not able to attend the funeral, so I’ll be donating money to the scholarship in her name. I wish she had written an autobiography for me to read and learn from.
I’m thinking of buying a bunch of St John’s Wart to help me with this depression thing. I had a couple of cocktails last night, which did put me in a much better mood, but I don’t think that’s a good long-term solution. (If I end up needing a good long-term solution.)
