He Hasn’t Returned My Call- Thank Goodness!!
I spent the last few days REALLY hoping Idiot Selfish person would not return my call. He hasn’t– and I’m very pleased! It’s funny how he couldn’t STOP calling me up until about a week ago, but now that I’m the one who made the call, he’s AWOL. I’m very happy about this. I could almost forgive myself for being such a pathetically predictable Fucking Idiot for calling him in the first place.
Out of Towner was back this week. Geez, I really like him. We went out with others and had a blast. I’m under the strange impression that he is particularly good and/or experienced in working with large groups of women. Not sure why I think that. Anyway, it was a fun couple of days, but with no random or romantic subtext to blog about.
One of the Two-Faced Smiling Liars at work took me aside this past week, and asked me for advice on dealing with the other Two-Faced Smiling Liar at work. How crazy is that?! Perhaps nobody is a liar and everyone has lousy communication skills at my company…. Anywho, I gave my two cents, which I should probably take under my own consideration!
I saw Storyteller briefly. I didn’t complain about the cancelation last week (reason was legit), but did joke about using that free time to search for new friends online. My joke seems to have hurt Storyteller’s feelings a bit. Oh well, I can’t control that. Anyway, we’re planning to get together later in the week.
I’m off the antidepressant herbs I was taking. They seem to have done their job, which was to throw me a ladder while I was stuck in such a deep hole I could not climb out myself. I didn’t need a chopper to airlift me out, just a ladder somewhat within reach. I can do the climbing myself. 
Damnit!
Storyteller bailed on me today. We had plans for Tuesday, he called the day before to cancel. Explanation makes sense, totally legit… but I don’t like being blown off. I offered that I’m free Wednesday, but no, that won’t work either. He seemed disappointed, but… well, I don’t like being blown off.
So of course I called Idiot Selfish person. I called after-hours, left voicemail at the office. Very brief, just saying hi, etc.
Ugh, I feel like an idiot. I should refer to myself as Fucking Idiot from now on. I don’t REALLY want to speak to, much less see, Idiot Selfish person.
I think I need someone new in my life.
Work Crush, defined
I saw the Storyteller a couple of days ago. I found myself feeling a bit romantic and mushy towards him. He’s great, don’t get me wrong… but I don’t see myself falling in love with him or anything!
I think my problem is that I need someone to love. And since I don’t really have someone in my life to receive that, I’m finding myself subconsciously pretending to have very romantic feelings for whomever I am with. I have the energy and need a place to put it, I guess.
I’m having dinner with the Out of Towner next week (made sure to invite others). I think I’m developing what can only be described as a work-crush: A non-sexual, non-romantic, crush-like, professional and personal admiration for a coworker. This, too, is probably an extension of my having a certain kind of energy right now, but not having anywhere to properly put it.
And I hate to admit it, but I still think about Idiot Selfish person. This is annoying, because I did not think about this person AT ALL when we weren’t speaking, prior to all the emails and texts and such. I don’t miss or want to be with this person, but I think of Idiot Selfish person… getting hit by a car, bumping into me at a restaurant, showing up in the Gossip Column of the local paper. I don’t know why.
I don’t want to brag, but…
Well, I don’t want to brag, but I think my self-medication plan is working. I was feeling somewhat better yesterday. Today, about 50% of the people in my office were cranky, and I was NOT one of them! Yay! I almost feel like my old self. Drawback is I sleep really deeply now, which makes it difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
We had people from out of town in the office last week, though not THE “Out of Towner”. It went well enough. I put my foot down about losing yet another weekend to doing yet another “emergency” project… and guess what? The world didn’t come to an end. Everything is still standing. And I finished the project on Tuesday morning, just like I said I would.
I received at least a half-dozen texts, voicemails, and emails from Idiot Selfish person last week, all invites to lunch, dinner, or drinks. I finally left a voicemail on Idiot Selfish person’s work phone after-hours. It was along the lines of:
“I got your messages. Not free for lunch tomorrow, I have a meeting… But the truth is, I will never be free for lunch. Or drinks. Or dinner. I’m glad we’re on speaking terms and I dont’ mind catching up every now and then, but we are not ‘friends’ and I just don’t want to hang out with you. And to be honest, it’s kind of weird that we stopped seeing each other because you don’t have time for me, and now you seem to have all the free time in the world. If you really have all this free time, I suggest you find someone new to spend it with.”
It reads more harshly than (I believe) it sounded. I swear.
The next day, after Idiot Selfish person had already left me a text and a voicemail asking about drinks that night, I received an email thanking me for my honesty. And I haven’t heard from Idiot Selfish person since. (Which is exactly what I wanted!)
Oh, back to work. One of the people in town last week is also one of the Two-Faced Smiling Liars. I’ll spare the details, but yeah, his behavior was as expected. At least I didn’t take anything personally and I called him on his shit a couple of times.
I had lunch last week with a coworker of mine who works in a different division of the larger department we are both housed under. She confirmed that a lot of my compaints about my group are actually true for our entire department, and that the rest of our gigantic company knows we (our department) is generally fucked up. It was a comforting and distriburing conversation.
I also met with HR to chew the fat and revisit some of those same issues. Not sure they are really going to address anything. I’ve decided to just care less about work in general, and that seems to be working to save my sanity and minimize my stress.
Trying to Make Some Progress
I did some research online last night. I’m pretty sure I have “Atypical Depression”. Here’s the description from http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/depression/atypical.asp:
Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They’ll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with….This type of depression usually follows an interpersonal rejection by a lover, boss, or close friend….People with atypical depression feel paralyzed or too tired to get out of bed.
So I’ve decided to self-medicate. I have dabbled in herbal remedies in the past (quite a bit, actually), and I know my way around the supplement aisle of the health food store, so why not? Starting tonight, I’m taking 5 HTP and Saint John’s Wort. I may also add Gensing to the mix, but only if I stop drinking coffee. If this doesn’t work, I’ll make an appointment at Kaiser and get me some old fashioned Zoloft or something.
I had two texts from Idiot Selfish person when I put my phone on this morning. One was asking what I was up to today. I just didn’t reply. The more I think about it, the more I think staying “friends” was the wrong choice. I fantasize about saying things to Idiot Selfish person that are true and yet I know will result in hurt feelings (not mine!). I should really cut this one loose. I wish I knew what is holding me back.
I have a meeting with one of our Human Resources folks tomorrow. I will probably just vent and see if they have any insights to share as to how I can better deal with my boss and general work problems. I feel, as of right now, that the only way I can stay at my company for the long-term is to report to someone new and/or to work in a new part of the company. Though, honestly, I’m just focusing on trying to get through a single day.
Someone behind me in line at the bookstore made a comment to me about his tattoo. I, naturally, said, “Let’s see it.” His response was to say, “Really…?” while lifting his entire shirt. In the store. It made me blush a tiny bit to see that a man would do what a total stranger asked, just because she was kinda cute, wearing a long blond ponytail and short shorts. LOL
Week in Review
Lots of lame things to write about this fine Saturday morning.
I couldn’t even get out of my car and into my office the first day of this past work week. I literally had to pray first. And I NEVER NEVER NEVER do that, or anything like it. But I’ve been in this angry and depressed state for almost two weeks now, and really felt like I had run through all my options. Hanging by a thread, by a broken pinky. I asked, “Please help me get through the fucking day.” That was it.
I’ve spoken to Idiot Selfish person a couple of times this week– mostly email and text. It’s pretty boring and I should probably just end all communication. I think I’ve been responding bc I’ve been depressed and I thought it would be a good distraction. I’m not sure that’s how its been working out for me.
Idiot Selfish person seems to have a lot of free time these days, which was not the case when we were together. I have to admit, this hurts my feelings, because I believe we all CAN and DO make time for the things that are important to us. So, I was clearly not important enough to make time for in Idiot Selfish person’s world. Well, at least not then. Now I am suddenly being asked out to drinks and being texted or called several times a week.
It’s strange how the feeling of being rejected still hurts, even when it’s from someone you don’t want anything to do with anyway. I almost feel like I want Idiot Selfish person to want me, just so I can do the rejecting… though, logically, I really don’t want anything to do with this person. AND, I was the person who ended the relationship… though I suppose Idiot Selfish person is the one who stopped making time for me, so maybe it wasn’t me who ended things after all??
During the months we were not speaking, I was completely happy to not have had any communication with Idiot Selfish person. Maybe I should go back to that.
Some new people to write about today (new to the blog, I mean)…
First person is someone I’ve known for a while. We work near each other, so we met briefly in the early morning yesterday before my work day started. I have found this person to be a mix of friendly and flirty and funny and not-mushy-but-it’s-there-kindness. Very sweet and mellow, but not a submissive doormat by any stretch. Smart, too, and tells a good story. Physically strong, with a face that’s very easy on the eyes. We’ve known each other for about two years, and have been up and down with our communication, getting together, etc. I don’t have the emotional connection with this person like I used to have with Idiot Selfish person, so the randomness of our communication has never bothered me in the least- I just take it in stride, enjoy this person’s company when we can both make it work.
[I'm not sure how to "name" this person for blog writing. "Storyteller" could sound like a liar. "Nice Person" is pretty bland. "Cute Person" doesn't really cover the breadth of reason why this person is likable.]
Anyway, I don’t have much to write about this person, except that when we were done chatting this week, and before we both went to work that morning, we kissed. It was a pretty great and unexpected way to start the day.
Another new person to write about is Out of Town person. This person works for my company, but in an office Out of Town (further up the corporate ladder than myself, and not exactly in the same division). Out of Towner has been around my office more often lately, and I’ve just been so relieved and pleased to have someone here who really understands what we do and how we should do it (the person I report to doesn’t always “get it”– it’s very frustrating). Anyway, I think my professional respect for this person, combined with the obvious smile on my face when Out of Towner is around, is possibly coming across in an (uninterntional) flirtatious way. For example, I said Out of Towner was a “sight for sore eyes.” I meant it relating to the work issues I expect that person to fix, not… well, not in the way I would mean it if I was seeing the Storyteller. On the other hand, while Out of Towner is older than me and I can’t say I am physically attracted, who knows? Something to think about next time Out of Towner is here (already emailed me about grabbing lunch or dinner together next time). On yet another hand, Out of Towner could turn out to be another Smiling Liar that my company seems so fond of employing, so I’ll have to be careful about how I handle this relationship (professionally, and otherwise).
I hate leaving my guard up all the time. Oh well.
Oh! I had a dream that I had fallen madly in love with someone I really, really dislike. Just the brain working out its issues, I’m not alarmed– but it was an icky thought to wake up to. Thank goodness it was not a sex dream, I would have vomited. In real life, this person is a nice person who tends to act like an asshole. It’s too bad, really. The behavior is truly confusing, but shows no signs of improving. Maybe this person is bipolar?
Someone I know passed away this week. Not a close friend, but someone I had met several times and had really admired. Very adventerous, smart, funny [it's pretty easy to see what character traits I admire in people from reading this blog, eh?] I was not able to attend the funeral, so I’ll be donating money to the scholarship in her name. I wish she had written an autobiography for me to read and learn from.
I’m thinking of buying a bunch of St John’s Wart to help me with this depression thing. I had a couple of cocktails last night, which did put me in a much better mood, but I don’t think that’s a good long-term solution. (If I end up needing a good long-term solution.)
